I’ve suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for most of my life (thirty years), although I didn’t always realize that my compulsive habits, mental tics, and constant feelings of anxiety were actually caused by OCD. In fact, as I suspect is the case for many OCD sufferers, I thought I couldn’t possibly have OCD, because I didn’t obsessively clean my kitchen or re-arrange the pens on my desk, like how it is often portrayed in social media and pop culture.

All I knew was that something was wrong with me - I had horrible, disgusting intrusive thoughts almost 24/7, starting in my late teens and lasting well into adulthood. I would feel compelled to do specific activities a certain number of times in order to prevent some horrible catastrophe from occurring in the future, or constantly ask myself why I had such evil thoughts and mental images and if that meant that I, too, was an evil person who did not deserve happiness or love. I did have some physical compulsions (checking doors and locks, re-reading emails at work) but most of my compulsions were mental - things like constantly ruminating about past events, wondering if I had said something offensive to someone at some point, or being terrified of having random sacrilegious or blasphemous thoughts pop up in my head, amongst other fears. As a result of my compulsions being primarily mental, I was able to hide my condition quite well from friends, family, and coworkers - indeed, if you told any of them that I spent the better part of the past ten years wracked in constant anxiety and depression, they would be incredibly surprised. I was able to function as a human in every day normal life - but my mind was a constant battlefield with me warring against the demons in my head.