My Recovery Journey and Why I’m Writing this Blog
I’ve suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for most of my life (thirty years), although I didn’t always realize that my compulsive habits, mental tics, and constant feelings of anxiety were actually caused by OCD. In fact, as I suspect is the case for many OCD sufferers, I thought I couldn’t possibly have OCD, because I didn’t obsessively clean my kitchen or re-arrange the pens on my desk, like how it is often portrayed in social media and pop culture.
All I knew was that something was wrong with me - I had horrible, disgusting intrusive thoughts almost 24/7, starting in my late teens and lasting well into adulthood. I would feel compelled to do specific activities a certain number of times in order to prevent some horrible catastrophe from occurring in the future, or constantly ask myself why I had such evil thoughts and mental images and if that meant that I, too, was an evil person who did not deserve happiness or love. I did have some physical compulsions (checking doors and locks, re-reading emails at work) but most of my compulsions were mental - things like constantly ruminating about past events, wondering if I had said something offensive to someone at some point, or being terrified of having random sacrilegious or blasphemous thoughts pop up in my head, amongst other fears. As a result of my compulsions being primarily mental, I was able to hide my condition quite well from friends, family, and coworkers - indeed, if you told any of them that I spent the better part of the past ten years wracked in constant anxiety and depression, they would be incredibly surprised. I was able to function as a human in every day normal life - but my mind was a constant battlefield with me warring against the demons in my head.
It took me a long, long time to finally realize that although I wasn’t the stereotypical “neat freak,” I did indeed have OCD. The compulsive urges to complete repetitive actions, the unbearable intrusive thoughts, the constant feeling of anxiety. Once I realized what I was dealing with, I spent another couple of years trying to beat OCD - only to make things worse. In hindsight, I can recognize that the behaviors I was doing to “beat” OCD (such as purposefully avoiding people who triggered me, only eating certain foods at certain times, and trying to explain rationally why my thoughts couldn’t possibly be true) were classic examples of following compulsive OCD rituals, and only making the disorder worse. Sadly, mental health in the United States is still very much a taboo topic, and OCD in particular is still a very specialized subject - not many people know how to effectively treat it, and that includes even trained therapists and medical professionals.
I fell into a very dark hole in 2019. My OCD had gotten progressively worse since I had graduated college in 2013; but in 2019 it nearly drove me insane. I was having panic attacks multiple times a day over the smallest of things. I couldn’t have simple conversations with coworkers without thinking I had accidentally blurted out something inappropriate and that HR was going to fire me the next day. I spent hours at my desk carefully re-reading emails to make sure I hadn’t typed anything incorrect or offensive (my record was reading a two-sentence email over fifty times and wasting nearly 30 minutes to do so). My productivity at work was tanking, my social life was non-existent, and I was severely depressed.
It was at that point that I stumbled upon the idea of Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), which is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) framework that basically encourages you to refuse all compulsions and deal with the resulting anxiety. To someone who had spent the better part of his adult life always doing the compulsions to make the anxiety go away, the idea of not doing the compulsions absolutely terrified me. What if this time, I do get fired because I said or did something bad? What if this time, my parents do get hurt because I didn’t perform some magical ritual? What if this time…? You get the idea.
Nevertheless, I was literally at rock bottom. I was prepared to do anything, because at that point, I was barely living. OCD had complete control over my life. The first few weeks of me practicing ERP were some of the roughest and most hellish days I can remember. I didn’t think it was possible to feel more anxious than I already was, but not acting out the compulsions and following ERP made me nearly want to give up and go back to accepting a life of being OCD’s slave. However, as the weeks went by and I consistently practiced ERP, I noticed that it got easier and easier to say “no” to my old compulsions, and that my sky high anxiety levels were gradually reducing. As I practiced ERP more, I found other techniques and skills - meditation, mindfulness, and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), as well as other great resources and people who had dealt with, and recovered from, OCD. I came to realize that OCD, something that I had lived with for most of my life and which I assumed was incurable, was very much something I could recover from; in fact, the door to the prison was open, and the only thing keeping me there was myself.
I won’t go into the full details here (they will be the topic for future blog posts), but I can happily say that after a year of consistent and dedicated practice of ERP/ACT techniques, I am recovered from OCD. How do I know I am recovered? It’s not because I no longer get intrusive thoughts, or never feel anxiety. I think those are a natural part of the human existence, and it would be wrong to hold off on saying you are “recovered” from OCD until you never get intrusive thoughts, or never feel anxiety, because that is simply impossible. But, I know I am recovered from OCD because I have the tools, skills, and mindset to know how I should handle these thoughts and feelings when they pop up, and to keep living and enjoying my life without putting OCD in charge of my actions.
My goal with this blog is simple: I want to help other people with OCD recover and live their lives to the fullest. I know first hand how painful and debilitating it can be to suffer from OCD. I know how misunderstood this disorder is and how difficult it can be to talk about it with friends and family. And I know how much of a struggle it is to free yourself from OCD’s grasp. But in my experience, recovery is possible - and anyone can do it. With this blog, I am hoping to:
Spread awareness about OCD
Promote effective CBT frameworks such as ERP and ACT
Explain my own personal experiences, anecdotes, and recovery tips for those looking to free themselves from this disorder
I will do my best to make at least one new blog post each week (most likely posting on Saturdays), time and schedule permitting, and dedicate time to answering questions posted on my blog or sent to me via email as well. As a general outline, I am planning my next 5 blog posts to explain the “fundamentals” of OCD recovery:
Knowing what OCD is
ERP
ACT
Consistency and Dedication
Other helpful practices
Each of these topics will have its own dedicated blog post in the coming weeks. After I publish the first 5 “fundamentals,” I will probably shift to writing about personal anecdotes, learnings, and covering specific OCD themes/topics in my weekly blog.
I know this is quite long-winded, but if you have stuck through reading thus far, then I appreciate your interest and I am truly hopeful that this blog can serve as a resource and guide in your own OCD recovery journey. Whether you are learning about OCD for the first time, or struggling with the worst peaks of anxiety in your life, or almost on the verge of recovery and just needing a bit of encouragement to get over the finish line, I hope this blog will have a little something for everyone - because no one deserves to live with OCD, and recovery is possible.
Until next time - please feel free to leave a comment on the post or reach out to me (via the “Get in Touch” option at the top of the page) with any questions, comments, ideas for future posts, or suggestions.
Thank you, and stay strong!